Ode to an Old, Shitty Job: The Epic List

There is nothing funny about having a shitty job. Luckily, I left mine a few weeks ago. It wasn't the worst job I ever had, but it was perhaps the most soul-sucking. I now work someplace that treats its employees with respect, and I'm happy to be there. In contrast, when I was at the former job, if someone asked me what I did for a living, I'd tell the person I was unemployed; I felt better about myself for doing so.

Thanks to the recession, by February '09, I was forced to take any work I could find. The result: a part-time Internet researching gig in El Segundo, where I remained until April 8th of this year. During those 2-plus years, I got no raises, no promotions, and no benefits. I think at most, I got two Blow Pops, and was offered a choice of either a sweater or a bag with the company logo on it.

I think it says something when my co-workers actually Sharpied out the logo on their items before using them.

I knew the office was a joke from the beginning. They had no idea how to train us, and whenever we asked a question, they didn't have an answer. They didn't even have specialists or editors who were knowledgeable about the content we were producing! Even when we suggested new ideas or processes to improve things, we were ignored and rejected like fools. By the time 2009 was over, we had complete apathy for the place. If it weren't for the flexibility, I probably would have quit.

Unfortunately, given the awful job climate in '09, I couldn't afford to get up and leave. And as 2010 rolled around, I had my sights set on shooting a fundraising trailer for my feature, and there was no way I could film it while maintaining a full-time schedule. So basically, I needed my shitty job way more than it needed me. It was an awful predicament to be in.

I know that some of you fair-minded people may think that I have no right to grumble when I chose to stay there, and that if I was so miserable, I really could have quit at any time. You could also argue that since I was a part-time worker (34 hours a week), the company had no obligation to offer me a raise, promotion, or benefits--as far as I know, even if you work full-time in California, no company is obligated to give you squat. A few of you may even claim that I should be grateful for the Blow Pops!

All points (sans the Blow Pops) are valid, and as I said before, this wasn't the worst job I ever had. Because the gig was part-time, I had the freedom to clock-in and leave whenever, just as long as I fulfilled my owed hours. I enjoyed that flexibility. Believe me, I took advantage of it to the nth degree.

An even greater perk was that I really didn't have to do anything at the office. There wasn't much supervision or micromanaging, so I admittedly goofed off a lot. I think in the time I was there, I got more personal projects done than company-related ones. I also saw every buzzworthy YouTube video imaginable; I knew what was hot before Buzzfeed or Reddit could pick up on it. It was incredible to get paid to keep up with the latest online trends.

In truth, however, there was always a project to complete and quotas to be met, and when I did work, I produced high-quality results. But I had no faith in the product, no faith in my superiors, and no faith that there was anything to get out of the job except a paycheck. Lazing off seemed to benefit all involved parties most.

As you can imagine, I didn't feel a hint of guilt for doing nothing. I didn't care. What for? The company didn't care about me or what I thought. And that was the problem: the company did not care about anything its employees had to offer. The office was a revolving door of wasted talent. Even now, there are some driven, intelligent minds working there, yet the higher-ups refuse to properly utilize them. Oh well. I don't think the company is capable of stimulating those minds anyway.

As morale dropped every week, I started what became known as The Epic List, which at first highlighted 12 things that an employee could never expect from the company. By the time I left, that number grew to 64:

1) Knowledge
2) Common Sense
3) Simplicity
4) Common Sense
5) Efficiency
6) Consistency
7) Accountability
8) Specificity
9) Communication
10) Tact
11) Thoughts
12) Problem Solving
13) Empathy
14) Camaraderie
15) Individuality
16) Clarity
17) Standards
18) Resourcefulness
19) Initiative
20) Competence
21) Listening
22) Peace
23) Manners
24) Integrity
25) Logic
26) Appreciation
27) Foresight
28) Organization
29) Fulfillment
30) Innovation
31) Incentive
32) Training
33) Pleasure
34) Office Supplies
35) Honesty
36) Dignity
37) Caring
38) Pride
39) Ethics
40) Effective Content
41) Fire Alarms
42) Grammar
43) Internet
44) Windows
45) Opportunity
46) Printing
47) Safety
48) Fun
49) Comfort
50) Leadership
51) Proper Room Temperature
52) Fairness
53) Humor
54) Privacy
55) Electricity
56) Answers
57) Quality
58) Trust
59) Updated Software
60) Contributions
61) Respect
62) Hope
63) Happiness
64) The Bright Side

Common Sense is repeated (#2 and #4) because nothing the company did ever made sense. They would make its developers create tools for things that were completely unnecessary. They would constantly change their minds about procedures that would force many workers to redo projects they already spent weeks on. They even had a sink in the 10th floor kitchen that wouldn't turn off, and for months, nobody bothered to fix it. Employees even left notes asking for somebody in maintenance to do something about it. As far as I know, it is probably still running.

When I think of my shitty job, that faucet will always come to mind first. It is perfectly symbolic of the time, energy, and resources wasted there on a daily basis.

The best example of the office's lack of common sense (and several other things on the Epic List) was when I e-mailed a few supervisors last fall to inform them that Google's search algorithm was going to change in February. (I don't know why I cared; morale was beyond recovery by that point.) The company's websites depended on Google for visitors, so unless they revamped the sites' content, they were in danger of getting lower rankings once the new algorithm took over.

Unsurprisingly, I got no response, and didn't hear anything of it again. So what happened when the algorithm switched in February? The bigwigs panicked and acted like they didn't see it coming. I remember sitting at my desk that day with my head lowered in total disgust. Sure enough, nearly all the company's sites were punished by Google. And thanks to the inaction of my superiors, all the work my co-workers and I had done for the past 2 years became worthless.

Most people would react angrily to that kind of news, but we all laughed non-stop about it at lunchtime. Of course the company blew it. If "blowing it" were a product, that office would be the Microsoft of Blowing It. Nobody blew it better for worse!

To top that off, during my final months, the company took away our flexibility. All part-timers were forced to work a set schedule because of building renovations. The higher-ups said the construction would only be for a couple weeks, but when I left, the contractors were only getting started.

Whoa. Looks like we just came up with #65 on the list! Let's add it:

65) Flexibility

Yay! Now we have 65 things you'll never expect to find at my old company. How pathetic.

Even more pathetic was the CEO of that dump. He had the audacity to hold a Christmas champagne ceremony to celebrate the company being bought out. While giving a toast, he said, "Thank you all for adding another zero to my bank account."

...

Nobody laughed.

Yes, we helped him add another zero to his bank account while the rest of us had accounts nearing zero. Yes, he boasted about his pay while the rest of us remained underpaid. Yes, he bragged about being a millionaire while all of us were still "dollaraires" dreaming to be "hundredaires." Screw the champagne; how about a raise, jackass?

I'm reminded of a blog the jackass wrote about how it took talent and "grit" to work at his company. Quite frankly, given the prices he was (and is still) unwilling to pay, he can't afford grit. And given the 65 things his company doesn't (and never will) offer, he doesn't even deserve grit.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, I can overlook the lack of benefits or raises or promotions--honestly, in the grand scheme of things, those incentives do not matter. I don't need those types of motivation to work hard and devote myself to a job. I never did. I think most people wouldn't mind working without those things as long as they felt their contributions meant something. But this job didn't offer any fulfillment (#29) or opportunity (#45), so the fact that it didn't give any raises or benefits was complete and utter bullshit.

When the jackass talked about his bank account at the ceremony, there was a stunned silence of realization that all our work served only him. It was never about the customers. It was never about the workers. It was all about him.

Again, what a waste.

For those of you who work at a shitty day job, here's what I learned in 2-plus years at mine:

1. If a company does not give you health benefits, don’t ever do ANYTHING that could potentially harm your physical, mental, or emotional health. Save the stress for figuring out what to eat when you return home from work. You’ll get more out of that, believe me.

2. If a company does not give you any possibility of a raise or promotion, don’t EVER go "above and beyond" for them. Don't be afraid to tell supervisors, "Hey, that's above my pay scale" because if they aren't paying you properly, they can't argue. To me, no raise means they have no faith in you, so you shouldn’t be afraid to disappoint them.

3. If a company does not respect you, don’t respect it. Plain and simple. But maintain your self-respect. If you're getting paid a measly $8 an hour, don’t ever let a crappy office make you feel like you’re worth $8 an hour. You're better than that.

4. If you have NOTHING else going on outside of your day job, you better be sure the one you have is fulfilling and everything you want it to be. There is no sense in torturing yourself five days a week when you could be ANYPLACE better.

5. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. Never give up trying to find a better job. Even if you don't land interviews on a daily basis, persistence really does pay off in the long run. Remember: you won't be at your shitty job forever unless you allow it.

6. Misery loves company, but if the company you work at is the source of your misery, get the hell out.

As soon as my trailer was shot, I made it a goal to get out. And fortunately, I did.

During my last day, I kept quiet and stayed humble. I was too exhausted to celebrate anyway. I just wanted out as peacefully as possible.

When I exited the building, there was no excessive jubilation, but there was an overwhelming sense of relief. Contrary to #64 on the Epic List, there really were a few "bright sides" to be found at the office (though, to be fair, the company itself did not produce them). Those bright sides, obviously, were the friends I worked with. If there was any proof that adversity brings people together, that office was it. I thought about all of my fellow inmates, past and present, as I walked to my car.

On the drive home, I smiled and laughed. I couldn't believe that the misery was finally over. I literally felt a new bout of clarity overtake my mind. I could breathe and stand straight again. And now, when people ask me what I do for a living, I can tell them what I do with pride.

Don't worry, I made sure to send the Epic List to a few higher-ups who needed to see it. And in case they didn't understand it, I explained EVERY listed item in detail. I know nothing will come of it, and I know they didn't care. Regardless, April 8, 2011, will go down as one of my most glorious days. I finally escaped Shawshank and came out clean on the other side.


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One more thing I learned at my shitty day job: this RSA video is the damn truth.



If these guys get it, every company should.